Every day I struggle between the person that I am and who I used to be. Every day someone reminds me of what I must fight to leave behind. I have made great strides in life and cannot understand why today seems harder than the rest. Today, I find my hands trembling to inflict pain, yet I say this is not who I am. Today, my very breath feels shortened by the desire to break something or someone, but this is reflective of my yesterday.
Who have I become? And why do I hate her so much? Why is she a mere shadow, a fragment of who I used to be?
Becoming this weak, fragile silhouette has left me with many sleepless nights. I am left awake to wonder what I have given up and why? Because today more that yesterday I want to move, I need action. My head aches from the unresolved issues that yesterday a fist and a fight would cure. The blade I once carried has long been retired, but on this road I see it glimmer in the corner of my eye.
Yesterday, I knew no retreat, I saw no need to surrender and I lived without fear. Today, I am stuck in a state of dependence that causes me pain. I walked away from the satisfaction of a job well done. After the fight, after the chaos, I felt at peace. Today feel unfulfilled at so many incomplete jobs. So many people that have forgotten and simply don’t know, the me I used to be.
So what have I decided? I guess we’ll wait and see.
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