I Cried Today

For all those times
you told me you'd be here
For the pains I felt since you left
for every question you never answered

I cried today because I know you're gone
I look around I don't see you
You said you're leaving and won't be back
So I don't want to be here anymore

I cried today as I thought about our plans
As I remembered our tomorrows
Things we said we'd do when there was time
But time has passed us by

As I saw the sunshine and wished for a storm
That would mimic the tears you caused
Just wash away my sorrow I cried today
And after the tears

And the reminiscence of those days
After the illusions of a time nevermore
I know I must go on
I cried today


Check Me Out FACEBOOK, TWITTER or email me at B.A.D. PR

We Are Who We Are

If you like to people watch as I do. (I tell people I'm observational) Online Social Networks are like a playground. I remember before I joined a particular online social network I was hesitant; because to me it seemed like too much of an invasion of my personal space.

Then with some encouragement by some people that I couldn't contact other than through this medium, I joined! And a whole world opened up to me.There were people that before I never would have talked to in regular life that if you were to ask them, we're best friends. (I probably still wouldn't talk to them outside cyberspace) What it has allowed me to do is observe who people are, who they pretend to be, who they want to be and who they wish they were. But I watch this global interaction and wonder how many people see what I see.

Apparently cyberspace doesn't stop us from being who we are. If we crave acceptance, we're happy to become what is expected of us. I've watched people get upset over the simple mention of their names. I've seen people get into arguments that didn't originally involve them all because they're "cool" with some person that once again, if they're like me under normal circumstances they never would associated themselves with originally.

What online social networks offer is a blank slate to creatively introduce yourself to a new sphere of people. And it's interesting how people have used and abused that opportunity. I've seen bandwagon jumpers, internet cliques, thug wannabes, groupies, freaks. At some point, I was trying to figure if I was back in high school. I remember high school and after a few years away from that place, something happened. I GREW UP!

I no longer call my "best friend" to back me up, when I start an argument with someone for talking to my boyfriend or when I get upset with him for talking to my sworn enemy. When someone doesn't like something I've said, I don't get back at them by raining down a slew of insults and requesting back up. I don't instigate unnecessary confrontations with people that I barely know because they said something I didn't like.

I've grown up, so if I don't feel it necessary to add profanity to my name to show how BAD ASS I am. I don't have to become the angry baby mama cliche, or the bitchy black woman that we've become accustomed to see in the media.  I've left behind the days of just saying things to belong.

I don't really think my social experiment will ever be complete, but I'm sure that the showstoppers, down for whatever girls, the unhappy, the unfulfilled, the angry for no reason, the attention seekers, the needy will always be around and always prove that we are who we are or at least who we want to appear to be!

Share your social media experiences
Ali Cole In Print or B.A.D. PR
Twitter

A Conversation with God

Dear God,

For being all knowing, all powerful, and ever-present; I acknowledge you. For being Savior, Redeemer, and Almighty. But I'm confused and concerned...no bitter and angry. Now listen to me carefully, please listen, at least do me the favor of listening. Put up with me while I have my say—
I did what you said, what difference did it make? Those who take life into their own hands seem like the lucky ones. They break all the rules and get ahead anyway. They push you to the limit and get by with it. I'm on the edge of losing it— the pain in my gut keeps burning. I'm ready to tell my story of failure.
My enemies are alive and in action, like a lynch mob after my neck. I give out good and get back evil from God-haters who can't stand a God-lover. Liars are pouring out invective on me; Their lying tongues are like a pack of dogs out to get me, barking their hate, nipping my heels—and for no reason!
I loved them and now they slander me—yes, me!—and treat me like a criminal. They return my good with evil, they return my love with hate. I'm tired, yes tired. When I speak up, I feel no better; if I say nothing, that doesn't help either.
Somedays I feel worn down. People take one look at me and gasp. Contemptuous, they slap me around and gang up against me. And God you just stand there and let them do it, let wicked people do what they want with me. I feel like I was contentedly minding my business when God beat me up. He grabbed me by the neck and threw me around. He burst in on me, onslaught after onslaught, charging me like a mad bull.
What about evil men and women who get off scot-free, who never had to pay for their wickedness? When will anyone ever confront them with their crimes? Will they ever have to face the music? Why do the wicked have it so good, live to a ripe old age and get rich? They get to see their children succeed and they get to watch and enjoy their grandchildren.Their homes are peaceful and free from fear; they never experience God's disciplining rod. They have a long life on easy street.
They say to God, 'Get lost! We've no interest in you or your ways. Why should we have dealings with God Almighty? What's there in it for us? Still, how often does it happen that the wicked fail or disaster strikes, or they get their just deserts? How often are they blown away by bad luck?
Not very often.
I could say, 'God is saving up the punishment for their children.' But I say, 'Give it to them right now so they'll know what they've done!' They deserve to experience the effects of their evil, feel the full force of God's wrath firsthand. What do they care what happens to their families after they're safely tucked away in the grave?

I'm not letting up—I'm standing my ground. My complaint is legitimate. Save me

What Is It All For

It's easy for us to sit idle as life passes us by. We're born, we live and unfortunately we must die. I say unfortunately because it's rare that I find people would have experienced all that life has to offer before their demise. For some there are children, that fill their lives with stories of endless laughter and childhood happiness. Then there are the people that have their jobs, they've worked their whole lives and they have found that their ultimate joy comes from "a job well done". I often think about people whose whole lives are consumed by their families, everything they do is for the fulfillment, approval and happiness of their loved ones. Of course along the way, some do find love.

Yes I smirked when I read that sentence too. But some people do find love, I don't mean they get married and have find someone to spend the rest of their lives with. I mean they really find love. But what is it all for? I go back to an earlier statement, "We're born, we live and unfortunately we must die". I have to admit that I think I've grown to be quite a cynic as of late. Its as if I've seen more in this lifetime than any ten people that have lived. But in the midst of my cynicism, I have to believe that what people claim to have found is real and works.

I'm not dumping on everyone who has found their ultimate purpose, whether it's in work, in family or in love. I just wonder. Have you ever even thought about it? When you do what you do, in word or in deed, what is it all for? Today I ask you to think about it all. Try to think about everything you do today and ask yourself, what is it all for?

I May Have Changed

I'm only hours older than I was yesterday, yet something inside tells me I've changed. I don't feel the way I used to. It's like I got out of bed this morning and THEN I woke up. I've never had this feeling before, I'm alive, I'm conscious. Understand, I'm seeing things like I've never seen before. I'm seeing the wrong in what I thought was right, I'm seeing times when I should have stood up but instead I hid. I'm feeling like I robbed you and myself of the opportunity of being a better person. So I offer my apologies.

If I seem different, I may have changed
If I don't smile like I used to, I may have changed
If I come across as a bit intolerant, I may have changed
If I'm not the person you remember me to be, I may have changed
When I don't find humor in the crude, I may have changed

If I decide to stay in tonight and work on me, I may have changed
If I prefer solitude, I may have changed
If the one that you hate is the one that I've chosen, I may have changed
If I say that we need to take a break, I may have changed
When I say I think that we're unbalanced, I may have changed

When you think you just "don't get me", I know I've changed

What Is It All For

It's easy for us to sit idle as life passes us by. We're born, we live and unfortunately we must die. I say unfortunately because it's rare that I find people would have experienced all that life has to offer before their demise. For some there are children, that fill their lives with stories of endless laughter and childhood happiness. Then there are the people that have their jobs, they've worked their whole lives and they have found that their ultimate joy comes from "a job well done". I often think about people whose whole lives are consumed by their families, everything they do is for the fulfillment, approval and happiness of their loved ones. Of course along the way, some do find love.

Yes I smirked when I read that sentence too. But some people do find love, I don't mean they get married and have find someone to spend the rest of their lives with. I mean they really find love. But what is it all for? I go back to an earlier statement, "We're born, we live and unfortunately we must die". I have to admit that I think I've grown to be quite a cynic as of late. Its as if I've seen more in this lifetime than any ten people that have lived. But in the midst of my cynicism, I have to believe that what people claim to have found is real and works.

I'm not dumping on everyone who has found their ultimate purpose, whether it's in work, in family or in love. I just wonder. Have you ever even thought about it? When you do what you do, in word or in deed, what is it all for? Today I ask you to think about it all. Try to think about everything you do today and ask yourself, what is it all for?

I Used to Love Him

He says he still loves me. All I can say is I used to love him.

I remember that one, for whom my  heart skipped.
The one that made me smile day after day, after day. I used to love him.
Every morning I longed to hear his voice, I wanted to see his face.
I felt lost in everything that was him.
He stole my heart.

I thought that all that he was was all that I needed.
He was the truth in my life. He was my addiction. I used to need him.
He was my life while kept drowning in him, and I held him tight.
I was overwhelmed by him being near.
He was in my mind.

After I'd given my everything and I felt nothing.
He was still in my bones like marrow that strengthens. How I longed for him.
Like the ocean kissing the shore, I felt him all around.
I'm entranced by the power that he possesses.
I think about him.

I am his queen, he claims to worship my grace
He finds my beauty to be his prisoner and he's trapped. He needs me.
He thinks about what I'm thinking, he wants me to be near.
I'm every woman to him and he can't help himself.
He says he loves me.

Mmmmmmmmm
I remember I used to love him!

My Yesterday

Every day I struggle between the person that I am and who I used to be. Every day someone reminds me of what I must fight to leave behind. I have made great strides in life and cannot understand why today seems harder than the rest. Today, I find my hands trembling to inflict pain, yet I say this is not who I am. Today, my very breath feels shortened by the desire to break something or someone, but this is reflective of my yesterday.


Who have I become? And why do I hate her so much? Why is she a mere shadow, a fragment of who I used to be?


Becoming this weak, fragile silhouette has left me with many sleepless nights. I am left awake to wonder what I have given up and why? Because today more that yesterday I want to move, I need action. My head aches from the unresolved issues that yesterday a fist and a fight would cure. The blade I once carried has long been retired, but on this road I see it glimmer in the corner of my eye.

Yesterday, I knew no retreat, I saw no need to surrender and I lived without fear. Today, I am stuck in a state of dependence that causes me pain. I walked away from the satisfaction of a job well done. After the fight, after the chaos, I felt at peace. Today feel unfulfilled at so many incomplete jobs. So many people that have forgotten and simply don’t know, the me I used to be.

So what have I decided?  I guess we’ll wait and see.

When I Think About It

What about your expectations?
Everyday we expect the sun to rise,
We expect to wake up every morning.
We expect to have a good life despite it's twists and turns
We expect to receive payment after a job well done
Some times we expect a reply after sending a message

We don't often see what we don't expect
We can't anticipate depression and pain
We don't expect loneliness or isolation
You never count on the reflection in the silence
Never calculate it's effect on on how we think and feel
And maybe it's just as well

When we live up to expectations is the living worth it
Whether they're someone's or your very own
And After the trying after the disappointment
What are you truly left with
Shattered hopes and broken dreams
Or are we left with something more

Welcome

When I Think About It - I have to write it down.

That's a statement if ever there was one. I write, A LOT! I've got journals, legal pads, notebooks filled with my thoughts. Why am I publishing them now? Honestly I don't know. It's like when lighting strikes, no amount of scientific can explain it...IT JUST HAPPENS...

On these pages you will see my most intimate thoughts, my passions, my pains, my anger and my happiness. It's like I've opened the pages of my heart and unveiled them here. Grow with me and feel free to comment!