Reciprocate

Loyalty is rare

Adventures In Online Dating, Profiling

Setting up my online dating profile was worse than when I did my SAT's. One site I went on made me wonder if they were going to ask me to send in a blood sample. I know they clam to have a scientifically proven method of matching couples but this is just....

First I narrowed down the perfect online community. There was a commercial that I saw one night and I was sure I didn't like that site. You would be surprised at the many how many niche sites there are, for every ethnicity, every fetish, every preference. I even saw one only for farmers that I thought was pretty cool, but not for me.

Now to set up that profile.

I tell you my likes and dislikes, I tell you my age range and the age range I'd be interested in. I decide on location. At first, I wanted to find someone halfway across the country, simply because I have 'issues'. Then I thought

Suppose this works out, you wouldn't want someone 3,000 miles away.

So, I narrowed the location grid a little. A LITTLE.

Every one likens the profile to a resume. It's putting your best foot forward. An audition of sorts. I studied marketing in college so here was my chance to 'sell" myself. Easy enough, right?

I met my first dilemma. 

I think I'm awesome. Because of that, I was afraid I'd run the risk of overselling myself.  I mean how do you say "I'm a pretty good catch" without sounding desperate?

I enrolled some unsuspecting friends. I asked them via one of my social networks to describe me in three words. They had no idea what how they were helping me. At the end of it all, I had a pretty good description of how I come off to people. I learned some things about myself as well.

After filling out my info, I waited.

There Was A Time

There was a time when all a woman did was attend a sock hop or cotillion and she would be swarmed by a room filled with possible suitors. At the beginning of the evening, she dressed in her most fashionable ensemble and armed with a beautiful smile and eagerness to please to parade herself before a throng of desirable young men.

Then someone told us that we were wrong for that. We were making ourselves out to be products and merchandise. The years went by and we stopped parading ourselves in that manner and men forgot how to woo. They seemed to have forgotten how to bring flowers and candy and take us to the movies. We forgot how to smile and accept being showered with attention.

We lost relationships and forgot how to relate. Somewhere along the line we fell out of love. We started
networking. A man across a crowded room is no longer a candidate for a relationship; he’s now someone to pitch our product or service to. We can’t see that in his eyes is desire and we begin to “pitch” our accomplishments, when he wanted to say, “Excuse me, miss. What’s your name? Are you free tonight?”

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Feeling Love

This is a time of love. At least for the next nine days or so. There's something about a day that focuses on couples that can make a person reflect on their solitude. So the other day I decided to fall in love. It was as hard as I thought it would be.

The first thing I fell in love with was a cup of coffee from a coffee spot that I frequent.

The barrister said, "Hey you."
Then told another customer, "She's a regular."
To which I replied, "You know I'm in love with this place."
The first sip was beautiful. Fragrant with the right amount of sweetness. I sighed at that perfect cup.

I sat at a table outside, a woman passed me walking her puppy. The dog turned around and ran to where I was sitting. I laughed as I reached down to pet him. He licked my hand. The woman ran over and said, "I'm sorry he doesn't usually do that. It's must be love at first sight".

Then a lady sat at the table next to me with her baby. Overwhelmed by her baby, baby bag and stroller, she spilled her drink. I could see the frustration on her face. I gave her some of my tissues and assisted her in the clean up. Then the baby started crying. The mother put one hand on her forehead. I sat at their table and asked, "Do you mind?"

I picked up the baby and began to talk to him and he laughed and giggled and grinned. She said, "You have a gift". I returned him to his mother and left.

I then realized that love was all around me, waiting to be embraced. And I smiled.

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Adventures In Online Dating

I found this the other day and it got me thinking. Love should be self sustaining and all encompassing. (Well it's what I was taught). But the practically states that we need more than love. After all, "Love don't pay the bills". Right?

Well, even with that thought, I (after much hesitation) joined an online dating site. Why hesitation? Have you seen the show about the people that pretend to be other people on the internet? There are some real crazies out there. I don't know what it is about the internet that brings out the nutty in people.

First of all, I had no idea that there were so many companies brokering love online. I mean legitimate sites not counting the "buy a foreign bride" ones.

Seriously, we really need to talk about that! But just not now. 

I started to look up the most popular along with the ones I had seen advertised. Especially the ones that I had seen that said FREE TRIAL. I'm not above falling in love (or like) for free. I was definitely prepared to put it on a credit card that I didn't really use often anyway. But if by the end of the 30 days it starts to look hinky, in the words of N'Sync "Bye, Bye, Bye".

Not that I'm on a time constraint, but I decided to sign up for two sites simultaneously. One site claimed that they were responsible for 120,000 marriages yearly. Considering that statistics state that 50% of marriages end in divorce, I'm not sure that they really should be using that as a selling point. Just saying.

The other site that I ventured to explore had a really cute commercial that I'd been seeing at least 3 times a day. The universe is obviously not my friend, as I saw it as being a little pushy by "arranging" to have this commercial run so many times while I try to eat my cookie dough ice cream and watch reruns of The Big Bang Theory.

I now have to set up a profile for both accounts. But that's a story for another day.

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Will You Remember Me - Vera

My paternal grandmother was the best grandma in the world (to me). She was straight talking and plain speaking. I miss her often. Every Sunday afternoon we'd go to her house for treats and if we didn't get them, she'd get upset with my Father.

She used to make a hot lunch for my dad every Wednesday and he would go to sit with her while they caught up. One Wednesday, either my dad forgot or was late going for lunch, my grandmother walked to his store, threw the packed lunch on the table and started walking back home. My father then got in the car and tried to coax her into the vehicle so he could carry her home. Long story short, my dad ended up driving alongside until she got to her house, where she went inside, slammed the door and locked him out.

She was a small framed, short tempered woman that raised her six children on her own after her husband died while the was young (late twenties I think). A strong woman that once said, when asked if she would marry again, "No other man is going to raise E____ children". She was stubborn. She was a seamstress/shopkeeper that still got home in time to make meals for her family. Even though it wasn't much, they were fed and educated and raised.

Once my parents when to a funeral and left us at her house. She said, "When mother and father forsake you, your old grandmother will take you up". I think about that to this day. It was funny the way she said it but also the best thing anyone could say. She was saying she was there.

I smile when I think about her. And I wonder what kind of legacy I'll leave and if anyone will remember.

Will You Remember Me - How Will You Remember Me?

So the story of the woman found in her apartment three years after her death, still bothers me. I want to be remembered!

I'm a church girl. My parents are preachers, so I've been in church all my life. I had a youth leader that I will never forget. She was the worst youth leader to walk the planet probably. Yes, I'm exaggerating. But she was pretty awful. I assume she hated the position and I often wondered if she even liked young people. 

Every time she came to youth meetings it was as if someone was infringing on her time and like we should feel privileged that she graced us with her presence. She was always engaging us in debates about whether being from the inner city made us "hood kids". That wouldn't be bad if ever so often she wouldn't punctuate it by scolding the girls in the group by telling them she wouldn't be surprised if they became teen mothers. 

Now that I think about her, she was slightly psychotic. Anyone that projects those feeling and those kind of ideals on impressionable minds and people she should be molding had to have some kind of loopy tendencies. Funny thing is, we (kids) never reported her. 

She also had authority issues. She was always at odds with the church overseers. I was a kid but it was obvious that she had issues. I remember the last time I saw her at church she went into the office, tendered her resignation and promptly exited the building. All during Sunday morning service. The church office was beyond the pulpit at that time so she had to pass the entire congregation to do that. Why not wait until the end of service? Dramatic much?

Well the other day in the newspaper, I saw an obituary with someone of the same name. I wasn't sure if it was her but my memories were filled with her shouting at us, putting us down and her general unfairness. Then I turned the page.

I remembered.

Will You Remember Me? Part 2

I often wonder who will remember me. I know my parents will and I assume my siblings will. But with my constant interaction with people I wonder how many of them would say, "That girl/woman...". I remember my grandparents often. I think of school friends one or two of them haunt my mind when I think of school fights and arguments.

I used to do youth work. I wonder if the kids there will remember how they often came to my workplace and stayed there until time to go home. I wonder if they'll remember pizza Fridays. I used to work for a Pastor, I wonder if he'll remember how spent days and nights for three months clearing up his accounting.There was point where I worked at a school, it was in the cafeteria but I wonder who remembers the lady that they had to pay, the one they said always made them smile.

As a singer who will say a song I sang touched them, made them think, gave them goosebumps. I was at a street festival a few months ago and ran into a director that I had worked with. With his eyes lit he said, "I thought about you last week. I was listening to the radio, I turned it off and thought, 'Ali Cole, that girl could sing her a__ off, I wonder where she is?' and here you are." I wonder...

Who will remember me?

Guard your heart - (Part 2)

I listened to a woman the other day as she talked about her husband. She spoke of how much she loved him, what a wonderful courtship they had. But she sounded tired. She said she couldn't remember one time that he had made a complement. Everything he said was critical. She said he had even used the term "embarrassed" a couple occasions.

I listened carefully and quite honestly I wanted to ask her if he was always that way. I'm pretty sure he was but her love blinded her to it. Now, the lifted veil showed to much of an ugly truth that was frustrating her.

Funny thing is I remembered being in her situation. I'm sure the person thought they were doing good in their criticisms. I even remember once being told that, people will talk about you. But guess what, "I don't hear them, I hear you! And everything you say is wrong." Truthfully it put me in a dark place, and when I finally broke free, they found a way to critique my freedom.

But here's the thing, I couldn't go back. I had to build a wall. And I made a vow, you get past the wall I'll give you my attention. I had to be careful of who I allowed to "get to me". That included family and friends, I had to tune out every voice. I had to learn that I was wonderfully made. I had to realize that my success was not determined by anyone or anything outside of what I KNEW was in me.

There's nothing worse than letting people control your life.

I learned to take control, as hard as it was. Sometimes it takes every ounce of strength a person has to build a wall around their heart. Especially when they've been defeated and don't know how to carry on. I learned how to, I'm sure you can too.

I've learned to guard my heart. My life depends on it. My happiness depends on it. I've learned to guard it against disappointment, but most of all guard it against bitterness. Because that's what happens when you don't protect yourself. So today guard your heart.

Guard Your Heart (Part 1)

Yesterday, I posted the following on a social network.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." Proverbs 4:23
I'm already cautious, so be warned. Your heart is life. If that stops, they pronounce you dead. And if you let the wrong person too close they could kill you!! THAT INCLUDES FRIENDS and FAMILY!"

Someone asked me to explain. The only thing I could come up with to fully illustrate it was this:-

Have you ever had a dream that was bigger than you? You knew that you were destined to be more than your current circumstances. Have you ever made the mistake to share that with someone close to you that shot it down? And because of your trust in that person, it changed your entire outlook on life?

I was talking to a friend recently who was giving me a synopsis of their life. As I listened, I was told of hopes and dreams and possibilities. I wondered why, what seem to be practical plans. were not followed through. The more I listened, the clearer it became. The individual trusted the wrong person(s) with heart matters and as a result they had lost hope and was currently in an emotional limbo.

We know our heart is where we hold our deepest secrets, where we hold what's most important to us, and physically it's the muscle that keeps everything moving. You can be brain dead and still technically alive but once that heart stops, it's over.

I don't know too many people that entrust their secrets to people they don't have a pre-existing relationship with, so here's where it gets tricky. People can only hurt you if they're close to you. If you let them close enough to hurt you, you have to be careful. So what happens when they're family? How do you guard your heart then?

Guard Your Heart